Tuesday, June 14, 2005

Resolutions

I make resolutions all the time: sometimes they’re stereotypical New Years resolutions (except any time of year) like, for this summer, learn guitar and take more photos with my ol’ Lomo. But mostly my resolutions are big things, the kind that are hard to consciously change, but you just have to hope they change on their own…eventually. I exist in a paradoxical state of self-assuredness (or at least self-awareness) and self-consciousness/lack of confidence.

For instance, I used to be very, very shy. Painfully shy. Shy on don’t-talk-to-anyone-unless-I-know-them-and-even-then-sparingly proportions. I’ve gotten better about that; not great, but better. I can still be quite nervous around strangers or people whom I really look up to but don’t know (does that make sense?). I still blush really easily.

The first meeting of 826 Boston is this Wednesday, for example, and as the date approaches, I am much more nervous than excited. In fact, I’m nervous and daunted and intimated because I’ll be the youngest person there and what if they don’t want a high schooler messing with their project and what if I’m not smart enough or what if I babble—it’s to the point where I don’t even want to go, but I know the way I am and I just have to go through the painfulness (only shy people know this, but it is physically painful to do this kind of thing) and force myself to attend because I’ll be happy about it afterwards. This is a hard thing to explain. But I am much better than I used to be, because at least I’m actually making myself go. So that’s something.

But I still have these resolutions that I can never seem to reach. I mean, there are some things I really don’t like about myself: Most of the time I forgive too easily, and when I don’t, I hold a grudge forever. Embarrassingly, I really like to be liked—ugh, I hate that I have that kind of dependence upon what others think. I wish I were pretty—I used to wish this a lot, now just once in a while—and even more than that, I wish I didn’t care what I look like. I’m romantic and idealistic and I’m afraid I’ll end up like in that song: “All romantics meet the same fate: cynical and drunk and boring someone in some dark café.”

Those are my main resolutions, or my…I don’t know what you call them. Sorry for the confessional post.

On a brighter, more beautiful note, I found a great new photoblog by a French photographer named Alain Astruc. His work is unbelievable (Here’s the photoblog’s current page; here’s a sort of portfolio.) I’m glad he won’t be reading this because I always embarrass myself with my gushing. But man oh man, those photos!

Also on the photoblog front, I’m sure I’ve mentioned the excellent Slower.net on here before…but the other day I left my first! comment! ever! on the picture with the yellow stripes. I talk about superheros and villains and stuff. Heh. Speaking of Slower (aka Eliot Shepard, man-about-NYC and photographer-extraordinaire), the other day a friend an I were talking about how lucky Kdunk is to have a boyfriend who takes such lovely photos of her all the time. (Perhaps when I finally get a boyfriend—yeah, the shyness again, let’s not get into that—he will be a lovely photographer…or maybe an architect—coughHOWARDROURKE.)

I just wrote “speaking of boyfriends…” but I decided that that is another confessional post for another day. Lucky you.

Have a lovely day.

P.S. I’m such a dork: I wrote this on Monday night because I knew I was going to be too busy to blog on Tuesday. That T.C., always thinking ahead!

Oh, and here are a couple of the original in-color photos of the black-and-whiters I posted yesterday:



5 Comments:

Anonymous oki said...

I used to be shy..or rather, non-social.

but then I moved to california, and into high school(s) and remembered how not-hard it was to make friends.

so, i've never had a boyfriend!
(really, it's almost exciting to say it now)

6:54 PM  
Anonymous oki said...

age ain't nothin' but a number

7:09 PM  
Blogger T.C. said...

Yeah, I'm a lot more social than I used to be...I have some friends whom I love, but I think that now my being antisocial sometimes is more because I like to do things alone than because I'm too shy.

I've gotten much more gregarious--you know how verbose I am!--and I love being surrounded by friendly faces...even if I'm still the only one who gets my own jokes :)

Thanks for cheering me up about the 826 meeting! I'm grinning with nervous excitement. Tomorrow!

Love, Tess

P.S. You should try to get involved with 826LA--maybe we could organize grand USA-spanning things. Revolution!

7:22 PM  
Anonymous oki-doki said...

I agree, nowadays I enjoy my solitude just as much as my time with friends.

good luck with the meeting, i'm sure it wil be fun and you will be welcome.

826 LA sounds wonderful. I think when/if i live a little closer (because traffic and driving is gross) I would love to be involved. I was lucky enough to have mentorship and art programs growing up and I think everyone deserves a creative place to just do their thing.

so much goodness.

-peace, oki

1:28 AM  
Blogger alainastruc said...

Hi T.C.!

I'm afraid I did read your post, I hope you don't mind! ;)
Thanks a lot for your kind words, I really appreciate that!

À bientôt!

7:37 AM  

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