Sunday, February 27, 2005

A vague discourse on a vague subject

“Both were rather precocious, and like many precocious young people they found it hard to grow up.” Kafka on the Shore, page 144.

That really is me, you know. What I mean is, I’ve always been precocious about certain things, in a way that could sometimes be embarrassing; but in a lot of ways I was—and maybe still am—far behind my peers, not growing up in the same way as everyone else. What I’m not good at is balancing things, growing up in a linear way. A certain aspect of life might seem really awkward to me, or hard, or embarrassing, and I will refrain from it (out of fear? or disinterest?) for far longer than my classmates do. But when I find something that interests me, or when I reach the right point, I embrace it far more deeply than most others. More personally. This can actually be scary, in a way, because things that I’m really opposed to now—who knows how I’ll feel about them in a year, or in a few months. That process doesn’t exactly go both ways, however, because once I become really enthralled in something, I don’t lose interest, my fascination never abates but just continues to grow forever. Maybe my brain just can’t handle adjusting to things gradually; it needs to be a sudden and massive change, and irreversible. I know you are probably curious for examples, but…I don’t want to give any, at any rate not until I can think of how to phrase it elegantly. It is hard to grow up though…I mean, in some ways I’ve been an adult for years, but in others, I just can’t imagine. It’s always hard to imagine myself different from the way I am right now.

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(By the way, I stuck a few photos of my Moleskine up at Flickr, for your endless amusement.)


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