Monday, December 13, 2004

A slightly depressing (paranoid) post about death

I'm very scared. I'll explain... A couple of weeks ago in school I would randomly get these quick dizzy spells. I knew that the two most likely causes for something like that would be malnutrition or dehydration, but I'm certainly a healthy eater so I took to jumping up and going to the water fountain whenever I felt dizzy. It wasn't painful, but I would feel like that for a few seconds every hour or so...I shrugged it off.

But since then, it's been happening every day. When I'm sitting down, when I'm standing up--less frequently, but regularly all the same. I mentioned it to my mom and she suggested that it might be hormonal or low blood pressure, but my period's been regular and if it were low blood pressure I think I would only get dizzy when I stood up or sat down. So.

Not to be a hypochondriac, but is it possible that I have a brain tumor? God, I feel so stupid saying this, but it would make sense. And I know that my mom wouldn't suggest something like that to me. I'm really scared. Death...has never been close to me. But (and oh my this sounds self-centered or solipsistic or whatever) when I think about myself dying, about literally ceasing to exist--it scares me so much. I've done nothing, I've added nothing to the world, I've never been in love. I know I'm being overly dramatic. I know there's only a tiny sliver of a chance that something like this is even real for me, but... I hate it when I think about death; I'm really a very optimistic and cheerful person. Oh, how angsty.

For some reason this episode reminded me of that scene in some Woody Allen movie (maybe Hannah and Her Sisters) where Woody--everyone's favorite hypochondriac--is sure that he's going to die because of some symptom he has. He completely freaks out and everyone watching thinks, That's so silly, we know of course he's not going to die. But now I feel bad that I ever thought that.

This whole event also reminds me of a little death-scare I had when I was in ninth grade. Don't laugh--this was a different scenario. A sort of brooding boy who sat next to me in Spanish class asked me out, and I--awkwardly, horribly--said no thanks, because I really didn't know him at all. Then a few days later I forgot my Spanish workbook in class and I went back to get it; it was just where I'd left it. But when I opened up the workbook to do my homework there was a message scrawled (in what looked like his handwriting--I never confronted him so I'll never know) that said, "T.C. (well, my real name of course), you have one week to live."

I was very wary that week but again, I didn't want to overreact because I knew it would most probably not come to anything. And it didn't, though in retrospect I really should have told someone. Anyway. Death. I'm sorry to be such a downer.


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